How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
