Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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