All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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