mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
