Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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