I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
