Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Randomize
