Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
