I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
