she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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