you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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