I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize