I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
