the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
