she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
