There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
