my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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