yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize