His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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