I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
