I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
