Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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