i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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