It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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