I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
