There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
