your parents love me but you hate me
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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