then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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