People in love make me want to vomit
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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