This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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