there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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