i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
