My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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