I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
