just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
