My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
