I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
