Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
