I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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