it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
