You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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