i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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