Can Purell be used as lube?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
