1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
id be glad to
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
