alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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