Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
