i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize