The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
