I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hope mine doesn't look like that
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
