Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
