my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
