I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
