I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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