she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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