I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Please, let me fuck your mom
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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