you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
