i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
