i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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