He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
